Anyway, as I was saying, my great discovery…
Drum roll please---
THE EARTH IS FLAT
I know, I know, you’re shocked, I was too quite frankly but, flat is it is. Sure all the usual questions came up. The NASA photos, the Big Blue Marble and all that. That bologna with Columbus and all. Poppycock, all of it! They’ve been lying to us all this time. And I know a thing or two about big fat lies, let me tell you. I mean…anyway I know the Earth is flat because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Seen it plain and square I tell ya!
I know this because I have been to the edge of the earth and fell directly off of it. That’s right, I fell right off the face of the earth and no one heard from me again. Well, until now that is. But that just shows my deep seated determination to get back to the land of blogging…or at least some place where I can get a decent latte’ for Gia’s sake! “There be monsters here” HA! What there be is a deplorable lack of decent caffeine service. I’m out there on a dingy street corner trying to score a five finger bag of bean from some scuzz ball named Squeaky just so I can get through my day without shooting some slow moving fool in the checkout line at Wal-Mart before running them down repeatedly with my shopping cart. Desperation is not pretty my friends. Not pretty indeed.
Then once I got back from my unplanned trip to the ends of the earth and the nether regions of No Caffeine Land I went to see my dentist, Dr. Mengele. He was expecting me. I had a recent series of unfortunate teeth events that made our little get together unavoidable. I broke two teeth on a bone hidden in a dish of BBQ pork. One tooth broke a chip off and cracked upward, the other broke a whole chunk out and right up to the bone. Dr. Mengele is a dear man, and an enthusiastic dentist. Why, he looked positively euphoric when he found out that he would have me in his chair for three whole hours. Just him and all his sharp pointy tools in a tiny sound proof room. He smiled warmly at me when I made the appointment and said he was looking forward to it. It was kind of an awkward moment.
All in all it was a lovely day and a pleasant experience.