Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fat, Broke and, Uninspired

Well I think that really says it all. I stole it shamelessly from a buddy. It has been a great holiday season full of all the wrong foods in all the wrong places and overpriced gifts in all the wrong sizes. There is wrapping paper stuffed behind couches, under tables and chairs. And there is tinsel jammed up in the blender. It’s best if you don’t ask. I am missing the woolly bearded Santa head ornament and for some reason the thread of blue twinkle lights won’t twinkle. The cat smells suspiciously of pine and he won’t look me in the eye anymore but it might just be because of his singed eyebrows. I’m not quite sure what happened there.

The door wreath looks like something that happened on a dark road that no one wants to talk about. I had to tell the Saint the other day that one of the dogs had killed a python and he would need to clean up the awful mess left in the driveway. It turned out that the dog had simply killed the door garland and red velvet bows. That was a relief. I certainly didn’t want to have to start looking for pythons in the pines. There is a mixture of neon lights still intact on the blinking Merry Christmas sign and we are now wishing everyone a Lerry Chimas. This is the long cherished holiday of an ancient South American community. At least that’s what I’m telling everyone. I’m handing out tiny piƱatas just to cover my bases.
The roof-top Santa has been quite a disappointment. He had too much holiday cheer and is now sprawled out across the roof in a very undignified manner. The reindeer appear to be looking on with contempt, except of course Rudolph who is face down in the gutter. Again. This doesn’t surprise me. He behaved this way year too. I hoped that rehab would help but it just didn’t seem to take. It’s sad really. He was such a leader and his future looked so bright.

The tree has been holding up pretty well considering. I have been hot gluing the needles back on but mostly it’s hanging in there. The needle gluing was a lot easier than I expected. They have been dropping in large clumps so I’m just making little bundles and gluing them on in groups. It adds an interesting texture to the tree and the dried glue glows prettily in the lights. What, why am I gluing the needles back on the tree? Because this tree has to make it to January 2nd. That’s also why I duct taped the holiday python back up onto the door. While most self respecting, holiday honoring, decent folk have celebrated, imbibed and overspent themselves into a lifetime of servitude and debt we are just getting started. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we decided that we were tired of getting run over, chewed up and spit out by the holiday Christmas machine. Instead of finding peace, joy and happiness, we were finding pressured sales, pressured consumers and pressures from a complete lack of parking. No matter how well prepared we were we always seemed to end up under the wheels begging for a quick hoof to the head.

I know we’re not the first ones to complain about this and we won’t be the last. I also know that the merry marketing train is going to keep right on chugging at full speed until it derails itself in a grand shower of red ink. We were definitely not feeling the Christmas spirit and it was getting worse every year.

The Saint will confirm, if you should have any lingering doubts, that I lack the decency to know when I am defeated. I just don’t seem to get it. My tendency is to analyze the situation from every angle, considering all the pros and cons and then…cheat.

We moved our Christmas day to January 1st. Before you get excited and start dialing hotlines and consumer groups let me explain. We do all the actual Christmas celebrating during the actual Christmas holiday time. We just skip the stress. Basically we just give ourselves an extra week. It takes the pressure off so we can enjoy the festivities at a more leisurely pace. We do Christmas Eve and day, celebrate and have a great time. On the 24th and 25th we open gifts but, only a small one each. We do the big gift exchange on the 1st . We have a nice dinner on Christmas day and celebrate it with a simpler focus on family. Don’t get me wrong. We are all great big present whores. We loves us some presents, we do. We just broke things up a bit so that it made a little more sense to us and we could enjoy it for what it was meant to be. Plus this way you get to hit all those fantastic 70% off sales after the big rush is over. SCORE.

My title here said Fat, Broke and, Uninspired. All that is true. I am fatter than a house. I am broke and or plan to be when it is all said and done. And I have been staring at my sorely neglected blog for several days now without the slightest hint of idea or thinnest thread of a thought. I still have a garage full of spring bulbs that need to go into the ground and as soon as it thaws out again I plan to feel guilty about not planting them. While many of you have already cleaned up your holiday debris I am only now beginning to think of ways to explain a Christmas tree in my living room in May. I already have a few good ones written down. We’re going green! --though spray paint may be needed at some point. And, they aren’t Christmas lights if they’re still on in June. By that time it’s outdoor lighting. Oh, and the drunken Santa? Lawn jockey! I’m working out the details so that I can “re-purpose” the decorations and have a fantastic tulip garage show in the spring. I mean really, who’s going to call me on a Lerry Chimas in July?

I guess I’ll have to go back and cross out the uninspired part of the title. I’m really starting to feel that holiday spirit now.


  1. The decorations are coming down today here at the cottage. The ficus will be happy about that. I refused to fully join in the celebration this year. Working in retail where everything is half off by Thanksgiving will do that to a soul.

    You've got a great story telling ability. I'm loving your blog immensely. Lerry Chimas!

  2. OMG, you have brought tears to my eyes from laughing. What a great posting. Laughter sure makes a heart merry. Thank you!
    Appy Nu Yeer

  3. I like your idea of stretching it out the way you do. Our house is decoration free as of yesterday we are in mid bathroom renovation and I needed some part of the house that looked "normal".
    I actually saw Valentine candy, cards and decor at the grocery store today!
    I wish I could come and help you with those bulbs, then I could see the drunken Santa and taped together wreath. :)

  4. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what happens in a room with a cat and a Christmas tree. The dogs look super impressed with the bows. As always, when I want to get my yuk on, I just come here.

  5. So glad to see you still alive and writing bits for us all to enjoy.

    We have also celebrated Christmas on New Years. It does take the stress off.

    This year we were very low key. The tree and decos were back in the attic Sunday morning.

    Now I'm looking forward to the new year.

    Hope 2010 is wonderful for you and yours.


  6. I love your idea. I always love after Christmas sales, but usually save what I buy on sale for next Christmas. You are such a great writer....such a great post even though you had no idea what to write. I hope you have a very Happy New Year/Merry Christmas!

  7. Ever heard the song "brick house?" That's what my pants are yelling at me today. I, too have overindulged. And I just picked up a tin of European Chocolate biscuits for 6o % off. Love those sales.
    I like how you celebrate later, good plan.
    I also adore those bows on your dogs. :)


  8. The biggest celebration of the year can be quite stressfull for anybody. The dogs seem to be at ease, posing as your models with bows on their heads, the cats are photogenic too. Haha, you made me laugh with your words. Now, have a Very Happy New Year 2010!

  9. Good Morning LeSan: Your post good as usual.
    What happens on January third? Is that the day when all the christmas trees in the world get put in a great pile?

    Think about that and see if you can come up with a story.

    Have a wonderfull day,

  10. Another great post.
    Happy New Year...and a very Lerry Chimas.

  11. Good Evening LeSan, I suppose you getting ready to go celebrating. Good Food, Good Wine and Good People make for a Good Celebration.

    Enjoy your Evening, Happy New Year.
    Liza and John

  12. Lerry Chimas LeSan - hope you have a great day today and a happy, healthy 2010!

    We had a lovely Christmas with family and last night we had a little party for 10 of us - mostly old friends from our teenage years (yep, THAT old!!!). It was wonderful :)

    Keep going with the always make me laugh my friend!