Survivor - Extreme Home Edition episode 4

When we last left our contestants the unsuspecting, hardworking, pure hearted heroine and the loyal, dedicated and steadfast Saint were readying for bed. The kindly old doctor, having been driven over the edge by a clerical error, was pushing his own special brand of health care and the cruel eeevillle Rock was last seen plotting world domination. A maniacal laughter was heard rising in the hills.

“It’s almost eleven at night what the heck is he thinking?” asked the Sainted one. “Well, I don’t know but I don’t want an ambulance coming out here. I think the old guy’s cracked” replied our hardworking and did I mention excruciatingly beautiful heroine.

So off we go into the night for a long drive of uncertainty. Sure there was a hospital near by closer to home but we were still city folk and I wasn’t ready to share a straw lined waiting room with the local livestock. We drove the extra thirty minutes into the city so we could be appropriately greeted by sickly florescent lights, scratched linoleum and cold surly indifferent doctors. In times of stress it is of the utmost importance to feel that extra care and comfort that can only be delivered by overworked underpaid nurses who didn’t have the grades to get into Corrections training at Maximum Security. I mean seriously, if you are going to be naked in a paper gown three sizes to small for your um… personals, and cheap uni-socks are your only claim to real clothing as some stranger sticks, probes and generally molests you, it really should be a professional.


Sure there were some worried moments on the drive over but this was ridiculous. There couldn’t be anything really wrong with me. I was hammering away on the rock, moving stone and hauling logs just a few short hours ago. How could anything be wrong? But there was worry. Your doctor doesn’t call you at home after ten thirty if there isn’t something “wrong.” I just couldn’t imagine what it might be. So we joked about it instead. We blamed it on computer error then, we worried. We blamed the doctor for hiring lousy assistants, then we laughed, then worried. Eventually we got to the hospital emergency room.

I walked up to the admitting desk and told the nurse why I was there. She said they knew and had been expecting me. I wondered, “Could this get any weirder?” Yes, yes it could. One nurse worked on taking my vitals as another worked on taking my information. I said I was confused and could they explain just what the heck was going on? I couldn’t decide if I should be worried, annoyed or amused. The admit nurse turned her computer screen so that I could see it and said “This is what your doctor saw when he got your report back this evening.” On the screen was a long list of well, doctory things I had never seen before. It was the complete work up on my blood from earlier in the day. She showed me columns and rows of items and numbers all highlighted in green. She scrolled down a bit and pointed to several rows in bright flashing red with the word “Critical” bolded in capital letters blinking like the nose on a cheap Frosty the Snowman display.


I smiled. “Well sure, I cold see why he was a little unnerved then. I suppose that kind of error will get your attention.” She didn’t smile back. “Well what does it mean?” “It means you have no blood.” She didn’t say to me, “It means you’re anemic.” No, she said you have no blood. “This test says you have only a third of the blood volume you should have. A person with this low blood volume doesn’t just walk in here on their own. They come in an ambulance. Nor do you show any signs of anemia which is why it most likely a mistake but we have to check it out.”

More nurses and another vitals check just in case. They even checked my eyes for the tell tale paleness but found them fresh and rosy instead. They took some more blood to test which seemed oddly counter productive considering the situation. And everyone was in agreement that there I seemed perfectly fine. We all had a good laugh at how silly this whole thing was and I went back to wait with the Saint who was pretending to be comfortable on an impossibly hard chair. I was tired a becoming just a bit annoyed at being inconvenienced for someone else’s error. Eventually someone wearing a white coat over pink and white sheep pants called my name. Finally this silliness was over and we could go home.
Uh, NO.

”I need you to follow me into the back here. Your husband can come also if you like.” OK. We are ushered into the triage room where a row of beds is sectioned off with plastic curtains on shower rods. The woman in the shower curtained stall next to me is intoxicated way past being funny and shouting about something which apparently happened in an alternate universe. I still have no idea why I am here but I have been instructed to dress up in a high quality paper gown. The uni-socks are lying next to it like tiny blue pelts. The intoxicated woman in shower stall 4 still shouting now begins to violently throw up. I miss the impossibly hard chairs.

Finally when I am all gussied up in my brand new outfit someone in a white coat who is not wearing pink and white sheep pants comes in to tell me how I will be spending the rest of my night. “The blood work has come back and the original test was accurate though your numbers are a bit lower now.” WHAT? “We are setting up a room for you now. The blood for the transfusion is on its way.” WHAT? Apparently I can’t hear anything he is saying because while his lips are moving there is no sound coming out. I just smile at him like he’s a little slow. He smiles back and I stare at him like I am a little slow.

He explained that while it didn’t seem to make sense and that I shouldn’t be in the apparent good condition that I was it was however true that I had no blood. Well mostly. He told me that my wrongly maligned doctor had probably saved my life because I would probably not have made it through the night. He said they would be down to take me to my room in a few minutes. I sat there on the edge of the shower curtained bed with the exact same expression the farm animals I expected to see in the straw lined waiting room back home. The woman next door continued to wretch.
It was a much longer process than I had ever imagined. In the movies they just wheel some desperate looking sap in on a gurney next to the pale dying patient. They hook up some tubes and poof, blood starts to flow and everyone is up for a cup of tea in a few minutes. Turns out it doesn’t work that way in real life. It was an all night affair on a slow drip with bags coming and going.

I sent the Saint home and settled in. In the meantime the big pond would miss a day of work. The blasted Rock had won this one but this isn’t over yet. I shake my tiny bloodless fist at you Evil Rock and vow my vengeance. A break for refueling and it’s back ON! Just you wait and see what I can do with a full tank buddy. It was starting to get personal.

And this concludes today’s episode of Survivor Extreme Home Edition. Tune in next time when we find out just where did all those river rocks come from? How big is this beast anyway and why did one solution lead to an entirely separate emergency surgery? Will the handsome chiropractor make his heroic debut or will our heroine finally be crushed in a stony defeat? Until next time on Survivor Extreme Home Edition episode 5…