Monday, November 9, 2009

Lipstick on a Pig

In my last post, I confessed to my abject lack of vision and purpose. I came clean about my failures as a blogger and my complete inability to find a suitable way to describe my blog. I became aware of these inadequacies when I attempted to submit my blog to a search engine only to find myself staring blankly at a little white box with the title “blog description.” Apparently, I was expected to fill it in with some words. More apparent was the fact that I didn’t have any.

As in any good story, right when all is looking lost help arrives just in the nick of time. Usually it comes on a white horse or in fighter jets or some other such vehicle. This time it came in the form of the little white comment box. You came riding in on your letters and words full of hope and encouragement and gave me the words I needed to fill in that white abyss called “blog description.” In fact, I was so buoyed by all your kind words that I decided I should take Terry Lynn’s advice and just go for a big juicy book deal. There really is nothing like a great big giant over inflated ego to get the idiocy wheels turning.

Now this is my very first query letter and as I understand from my writer friends crafting one of these is worse than doing your own root canal. It’s well worth it though if you land that coveted agent and get the big book deal. The purpose of the query letter is to sell your story to the agent. I pulled the descriptive words out of your wonderful comments to create what I hope will be that magic bullet of a query letter. Hollywood here I come!

If that fails, I hear Monroe Farm and Feed is having a big sale this weekend on twine. It’s the good kind.

Dear Ms. Most Revered Agent,

I am seeking representation of my overly inflated word count blog, Blue Gate Gardens where a rock-stealing hussy with big dreams creates an oasis out of a big pile of rocks on top of an even bigger rock

After nearly dying only to be resuscitated by an emergency blood transfusion hussy LeSan Bluegate is back on the job the next day. She is not about to let a few missing corpuscles get in the way of her mission to transform this gravel pit into a charming eclectic garden.

With her partner the Saint by her side, though randomly and at infrequent intervals, she is determined to get the job done. But when the rock proves to be an impenetrable and evil force reaching deep into the earth and even deeper into her soul, she realizes that this daft garden project has just become an all out war. With homey witticisms full of dry humor and color, the hussy will become a succulent wild woman armed with a pick ax and shovel.

She has no idea what the hell she’s thinking when she splatters her amazing wittiness all across the Blogosphere but she will make people cry, laugh and think deeper all while she distracts them with well written posts and pretty pictures. She journeys to exciting, wild and wondrous places full of information and fun while the epic battle with the Evil Rock plays out against the exotic backdrop domestic flowers and horse manure.

My blog Blue Gate Gardens, is a blog for bloggers who sometimes garden but still find they want something to read. It is the captivating story of a beautiful young heroine and her sainted side kick battling the evil and relentless Rock. She is one tough gardener and her story is told from the heart of a nature-loving writer with a few too many screws loose and one dependable camera. Acts of insanity are written in a clever and unique way to make Blue Gate Gardens a smart addition to anyone’s blog line up.

I am an Honest Scrap Award Winner and a Bottom of The Barrel ranking member of Blotanicals. I am also the recipient of numerous positive comments in the Post A Comment section.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,


I tried it out on an audience.
The reviews were mixed.
I think it might need some work.


  1. Love it dear heart. You go girl! Love your audience!


  2. When you get your description done, mine needs help too. As a matter of fact, I have never done a real blog description. I didn't know I had to. Where is that found?

  3. Ignore the mixed reviews, they're never right anyway! but as far as grovelly letters to potential agents go .....yours should do the business - the book deal will be offered in no time at all!
    Now, what were you saying about a twine sale....?! :)

  4. LeSan,
    LOL! Thanks for making me smile today. I needed that.
    I just checked out a book from the library, I found it in the ...teen section... really I was there with my is called The Disheveled Dictionary by Karen Elizabeth Gordon and I think you might get a kick out of it. It has words in it that are right up your alley, like calumniate,flummery,kickshaw, turgid. I am driving my family nuts! Only a fellow word nerd can appreciate a book like this.
    Your query letter is a classic. Your audience looked completely stunned and compunctious.

  5. If I were a book agent I'd give you a book deal based on that letter alone :) ! I love your letter. I hope you are seriously thinking about pursuing writing, you are very talented and I'd definitely buy a copy or two! :)

  6. LeSan: You have joined the socity of Garden Writers. They like Gardners have Writeritis. Gardenitis and writeritis Similar. No Hope for you. Will just have to live with the urge to write more and become a very well-Known Author.

    Enjoy your day,

  7. Oh, you have me laughing. I do love your writing!

  8. Ignore those critter critics. What do they know? Offers will be pouring in soon.
    Love your writing AND your garden.

  9. Great post! That's one really funny query.

  10. You know you're headed for a book deal followed by selling the rights to a later movie deal based on the book so stop teasing us!
    We can all say, "we knew you when...."

  11. I've now emerged from the living dead with a full house of sickies and H1N1 flu and was delighted to read this post. You are very creative with great descriptiveness. Great job LeSan!

  12. See. I knew that bug-slug award would get you somewhere. If I were a most revered agent, I'd ask for a full. :]

  13. FLOWERLADY~ I am so disappointed that you would side with my audience. They were quite rude and barely paid any attention at all. LOL Well I suppose you already know that cats are the toughest critics of all. Maybe I should have spread a little tuna on my query letter first. heheh

    JANIE~ My friend I believe I am the last one you want helping with your blog description. You’d end up looking like you had a cooking blog for house bound ferret lovers who wear high heel slippers with feather boas. ?Hmm …

    NUTTY GNOME~ Thanks for the grovelly letter support. You can never have to many grovelly letter skills in your back pocket. Now as for that twine sale…

    ROSEY POLLEN~ That dictionary does sound like it is right up my alley. I am however aghast that you could so clearly see that this book would be right up my alley. I am even further mortified that you would out me as a fellow word nerd. You my dear friend I believe are a calumniator. Your comment is complete flummery and my blog is most certainly more than just turgid kickshaw.
    OK. You’re completely right. That was entirely to much fun. I am a word nerd. I feel a tad compunctious about that. Ahhgggg! I did it again.
    I really need to work harder on my public image.
    Thanks Rosey LOL!

    CATHERINE ~ I am mailing a copy to you now. No wait… I don’t have a book. Darn. Oh well, if I ever do I will most certainly deliver one to you free of charge. Doggone it I’ll even sign it for you. Excuse me. Was I talking in my sleep again. I do that sometimes when I have wild ludicrous dreams. Thank you Catherine you really made my day. You are incredibly sweet and generous to say that.

    JWLW/ JOHN~ thank you for that hopeless diagnosis. Now I know I am doomed. LOL I am so glad you stop by here. Your comments really warm my heart and make me smile. Have a good day.

    AZPLANTLADY~ I am so glad you enjoyed this. It was fun doing it and especially not feeling all the angst I think serious writers do when they have to do these for real.

    PATCHWORK ~ Oh Linda what has it come to that the garden on my garden blog has become an afterthought in your comment? Sigh… Too funny and thank you so much. I liked the part about the “critter critics.” That’s classic. heeheh

    ANNESKAL~ Thank you! I am so glad that you enjoyed it. The letter really belongs to all the people who commented on the last post since I used their words to build it with. It was really fun to write.

    MIMI ~ You are my probably my biggest supporter and I thank you so much for that. Book deals, movie deals, too funny. You can actually say you knew me when I didn’t garden and still had my sanity about me. Hey, those were the days huh? LOL
    Somebody’s going to call Cat Collar on me. I just know it. Heheh

    MISS DAISY ~ I was so happy to hear you and your family survived the dreaded flu. That must have been some lousy time for all of you. Thank you very much for your comment and your compliment!

    TARA~ you know that means so much to me. Heheh. It did really make me smile like Charlie in Willy Wonka holding the golden ticket. Now if you will please excuse me I have a song and dance number to choreograph.
    Thanks Tara.