Lipstick on a Pig

In my last post, I confessed to my abject lack of vision and purpose. I came clean about my failures as a blogger and my complete inability to find a suitable way to describe my blog. I became aware of these inadequacies when I attempted to submit my blog to a search engine only to find myself staring blankly at a little white box with the title “blog description.” Apparently, I was expected to fill it in with some words. More apparent was the fact that I didn’t have any.

As in any good story, right when all is looking lost help arrives just in the nick of time. Usually it comes on a white horse or in fighter jets or some other such vehicle. This time it came in the form of the little white comment box. You came riding in on your letters and words full of hope and encouragement and gave me the words I needed to fill in that white abyss called “blog description.” In fact, I was so buoyed by all your kind words that I decided I should take Terry Lynn’s advice and just go for a big juicy book deal. There really is nothing like a great big giant over inflated ego to get the idiocy wheels turning.

Now this is my very first query letter and as I understand from my writer friends crafting one of these is worse than doing your own root canal. It’s well worth it though if you land that coveted agent and get the big book deal. The purpose of the query letter is to sell your story to the agent. I pulled the descriptive words out of your wonderful comments to create what I hope will be that magic bullet of a query letter. Hollywood here I come!

If that fails, I hear Monroe Farm and Feed is having a big sale this weekend on twine. It’s the good kind.


Dear Ms. Most Revered Agent,

I am seeking representation of my overly inflated word count blog, Blue Gate Gardens where a rock-stealing hussy with big dreams creates an oasis out of a big pile of rocks on top of an even bigger rock

After nearly dying only to be resuscitated by an emergency blood transfusion hussy LeSan Bluegate is back on the job the next day. She is not about to let a few missing corpuscles get in the way of her mission to transform this gravel pit into a charming eclectic garden.

With her partner the Saint by her side, though randomly and at infrequent intervals, she is determined to get the job done. But when the rock proves to be an impenetrable and evil force reaching deep into the earth and even deeper into her soul, she realizes that this daft garden project has just become an all out war. With homey witticisms full of dry humor and color, the hussy will become a succulent wild woman armed with a pick ax and shovel.

She has no idea what the hell she’s thinking when she splatters her amazing wittiness all across the Blogosphere but she will make people cry, laugh and think deeper all while she distracts them with well written posts and pretty pictures. She journeys to exciting, wild and wondrous places full of information and fun while the epic battle with the Evil Rock plays out against the exotic backdrop domestic flowers and horse manure.

My blog Blue Gate Gardens, is a blog for bloggers who sometimes garden but still find they want something to read. It is the captivating story of a beautiful young heroine and her sainted side kick battling the evil and relentless Rock. She is one tough gardener and her story is told from the heart of a nature-loving writer with a few too many screws loose and one dependable camera. Acts of insanity are written in a clever and unique way to make Blue Gate Gardens a smart addition to anyone’s blog line up.

I am an Honest Scrap Award Winner and a Bottom of The Barrel ranking member of Blotanicals. I am also the recipient of numerous positive comments in the Post A Comment section.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Best regards,

LeSan

I tried it out on an audience.

The reviews were mixed.

I think it might need some work.