Monday, March 22, 2010

Singing Frogs, The Flat Earth Society and Dr. Mengele

I have not posted in quite some time. It’s been terribly irresponsible of me, I know. It’s just that I have been so busy making new discoveries and generally adding to the vast and great knowledge of the human race. While I have been gone from Blogland for several weeks now you can hardly begrudge me the absence. Hey, come on now, no begrudging, be nice. Really, I’ve been making such amazing discoveries, we’ll all be the better for it. Mankind itself will be better for it! And you can trust me on this, I mean it’s not like I’m some kind of unreliable flack or something. Certainly not like those people who start blogs and then abandon them without warning. No siree, that’s not me, I’m trustworthy and reliable, just like the local weather man, er…person Buying this yet? I hope so ‘cause I’m running out of paper thin lies here. I used most of the good ones up earlier in the day when the windows needed washing.

Anyway, as I was saying, my great discovery…
Drum roll please---


I know, I know, you’re shocked, I was too quite frankly but, flat is it is. Sure all the usual questions came up. The NASA photos, the Big Blue Marble and all that. That bologna with Columbus and all. Poppycock, all of it! They’ve been lying to us all this time. And I know a thing or two about big fat lies, let me tell you. I mean…anyway I know the Earth is flat because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Seen it plain and square I tell ya!

I know this because I have been to the edge of the earth and fell directly off of it. That’s right, I fell right off the face of the earth and no one heard from me again. Well, until now that is. But that just shows my deep seated determination to get back to the land of blogging…or at least some place where I can get a decent latte’ for Gia’s sake! “There be monsters here” HA! What there be is a deplorable lack of decent caffeine service. I’m out there on a dingy street corner trying to score a five finger bag of bean from some scuzz ball named Squeaky just so I can get through my day without shooting some slow moving fool in the checkout line at Wal-Mart before running them down repeatedly with my shopping cart. Desperation is not pretty my friends. Not pretty indeed.

Then once I got back from my unplanned trip to the ends of the earth and the nether regions of No Caffeine Land I went to see my dentist, Dr. Mengele. He was expecting me. I had a recent series of unfortunate teeth events that made our little get together unavoidable. I broke two teeth on a bone hidden in a dish of BBQ pork. One tooth broke a chip off and cracked upward, the other broke a whole chunk out and right up to the bone. Dr. Mengele is a dear man, and an enthusiastic dentist. Why, he looked positively euphoric when he found out that he would have me in his chair for three whole hours. Just him and all his sharp pointy tools in a tiny sound proof room. He smiled warmly at me when I made the appointment and said he was looking forward to it. It was kind of an awkward moment.
Well the day came, and the long hours in the chair passed one excruciating second after another excruciating second. Hours full of seconds which dragged on into infinity as man’s inhumanity to man is performed in a white lab coat beneath cheesy pictures tacked to the ceiling and the caterwauling “played only on KKJgagmewithaspoonFM” battled it out with the sound of drills and inane conversation about yesterday’s lunch menue hammered my eardrums. Tiny cords soaked in icky tasting stop your gums from bleeding chemicals were wrapped around my teeth. Trays of soft rancid tasting saltwater taffy were jammed into my mouth and wads of cotton soaked in the icky tasting stop your gums from bleeding chemicals were clamped down on releasing a mouthwatering joy fest such as I’ve not experienced before. Molds were made, things were drilled both inside and outside my head. Teams of Caterpillar operators were directed to the inside my mouth to hold marketing demonstrations and sales expos. Dr. Mengele picked up an new track hoe for his home garden. It was a lovely shade of green. A small group of second graders were brought in on a field trip and picnicked by the back left molars. I don’t think I’d have them in again. They left quite a mess and the Frisbee game was a bit much. It kept hitting the back of my front teeth.
All in all it was a lovely day and a pleasant experience.
When I got home the Saint and I decided to go out the Olive Garden for some soothing minestrone soup and some spinach artichoke dip. Love that stuff! And I figured it was the only thing I could still trick my mouth into opening up for and failing that, could be sucked through a straw. So off we went. As we arrived in the parking lot something was burning my eye. Nothing had gotten into my eye on the drive, it was just burning. You know, the way it will when a tiny invisible blow torch is on it or a hot iron poker…well, you get the point. When we sat down I ordered a glass of ice water and a morphine drip. Our waiter What’s-his-name, I couldn’t see his name tag by this time, brought the ice bath and said he had a call into his cousin, Squeaky. Mr. Squeaky was quite the entrepreneur. I made sure to tell What’s-his-name Squeaky and I went way back.

I toughed it out through a brief dinner dousing the flames shooting out of my eye with pitchers of ice water brought by our waiter What’s-his-name. By the time we got home—
Well look at the word count! I’m going to have to wrap this up in the next post. I know I’ve been gone awhile. It was an unplanned absence and I apologize for that. As it turns out it is extremely difficult to blog post when you have fallen off the face of the earth and harder still when you’re blind.
I will be back to post soon. The frogs are singing in the ponds, the birds are flocking in the garden, the tulips are priming for color and Praline and Garvin are making daily visits to the pond. Oh, those are the ducks’ names now. Praline, is for a current choice of latte` flavoring and Garvin, is for “Fred Garvin, male prostitute,” of 1970s SNL fame.


  1. Hi LeSan ...oh how I've missed you, my Queen of Disasters!!! We've both missed out on blogging for a while - I was just busy, but you've been up to your eyes (literally) in yet more disasters! How do you do it? Is a skill taught in High School or does it come naturally?!

    It's alright, I've stopped laughing now - and I've mopped my latte up from off my keyboard...! :)

  2. So glad to see you back here. You have been missed.

    Oh my gosh, another saga. Where will this all end. Evidently, you are no longer blind, and that is a good thing.

    Love and hugs dear heart ~ FlowerLady

  3. Two pokes is all it took, and she's back. What happened to your eye? Are you eating again? When do we get the second half? Now the suspense is killing me? The agony of waiting for ...

  4. Hey, there you are! Welcome back, and love to think that frogs are singing somewhere! It will be quite a while before we hear them. Great photos as usual.

  5. LeSan I've been wondering where you've been! I get used to reading certain blogs then all of a sudden I don't hear from that person for awhile and I start wondering exactly what happened. Sounds like you've had a pleasant break with the dentist and eye problems (not!). It seems like you are due a very long period of time without any health or water heater issues! Glad to see you have so many bulbs blooming, are those all the ones you planted with a spoon?
    I remember Fred Garvin, funny!

  6. You are back! With broken teeth, but sharp and witty as before! Your pictures are beautiful!Happy Spring to you!

  7. HI LeSan: I had to stop and think for a while to remember who you are. Can see you have not changed much since you fell off the edge. You know the World is really round it just seems flat when you fall off one of its big drop-offs.

    Good to see you back enjoy your spring,

  8. Dear LeSan, I so enjoy your wit... but you do frighten me with all these things that go wrong with your body! Good grief... I hope your eyes are OK... was it something the dentist did?? It is late... I am tired and not quite myself but not blind!! I am confused about the flat earth... is this another assault on your body... is that what your discoveries are ... for medicine that is for future patients. No matter rest your eyes and be well... your gardens are looking lovely and magical... love the frog photo... all of them really. Great to see, read and hear your world again... only wish you were not having to suffer so much!! Happy Spring! ;>)

  9. Beautiful images! Sorry about your dental woes.

  10. Hi LeSan,
    I haven't been reading blogs much with all my kitchen stuff, even though I managed to get some posting done. You sure have been through lots of health battles lately. I hope you are healing well.

    I am almost finished getting things put away. I didn't sort before, so now, I'm having to go through some things in order to decide if I had room for them and where that would be. Thanks for your nice comment on my post. I have part 2 up now.

  11. NUTTY~ Thank you so much for missing me—I just wish it wasn’t my disaster status that was my leading feature. LOL The way I see it (‘cause I have no other choice) is that life is surviving one minute to the next and trying to enjoy the spaces in between as much as possible. Hey, I’m just working with what I’ve got here. Hehe
    I’m glad your pond disaster was Ower Dave’s (hope I spelled that right) fault and not a true disaster. I lived in constant fear of punctures the first year we had the ponds up and running. Oh, and sorry about the latte’ keyboard thing.

    FLOWERLADY~ I am back and I am so touched that you missed me. That makes me feel loved. *smile* As for when will it ever end? I don’t suspect it really does, at least not till it really ends. Hehe. In the meantime we plant flowers, dig in the dirt and make some wonderful friends along the way. Not such a bad arrangement.

    ELEPHANT’S EYE~ Thank you Diana, it is so sweet of you to notice my absence. It’s nice to be missed. I plan to post the second half this weekend…of course by the time you maybe read this it will be up already. I’m still wondering if the whole mess is actually cleared up or not. That too I should know better by the end of the weekend.

    TERRY LYNN~ Thank you Terry. It sure does feel nice to be welcomed back. I was feeling just awful about being gone for so long without any notice. I never intended that but sometimes life just gets a little sloppy doesn’t it? Of course this isn’t a time in your life when you can afford sloppy deadlines is it? It’s been such a treat following you and all your wonderful success with Dog Sled Dreams. Isn’t it funny how we all imagine a book is just magically published and we laymen never know of all the work that really goes into it? But you do!

  12. CATHERINE~ Thanks Catherine, it is so wonderful to hear that from you. At first I just got busy, then fell behind, then went blind. LOL Never intended to be gone so long. I’m very glad you came back. Yes, those are some of the bulbs I spoon planted. There are still bunches coming up. Mostly right now it’s the daffodils. The iris, crocus and other random early spring bulbs have come and mostly gone. The tulips are just beginning to come so we’ll all get to see if I got those puppies into the ground soon enough to bloom. Fingers crossed. Pictures forthcoming.

    TATYANA~ Thank you so much for looking in on me. I’m back and just a little worse for the recent disaster. Hehe. It’s always something. Seems that I’ve just had a run of whacky disasters. Well at least it makes for entertaining blog material. I just hope blogging doesn’t kill me. LOL

    JWLW~ Hehe. Well John, I think someone really aught to mark those drop offs better so fools like me can see ‘em coming. I’m glad you and Liza are finally digging out of your deep winter there. I hope you guys have a fantastic spring, you need and most likely you both deserve it. Well, at least Liza anyway. LOL
    Have a great day!

    CAROL~ You Carol are just a dear sweet person. I was so moved by you checking up on me. It was so sweet and thoughtful. Thank you. The flat earth thing was just me acknowledging my unexplained, unannounced absence. It was as if I had fallen off the face of the earth. I felt pretty bad about that.
    You know the funny thing about all these little “health” events is that my health is actually very good but I end up with these strange odd things coming out of left field. I think if my health were actually poor I would really be taking a hit. As it is I’m able to bounce back quite quickly from some pretty hard hits. Ok, January was kind of unfair with the double whammy thing. I still get nervous around a glass of ice water.

    COZY LITTLE HOUSE~ Thanks Brenda. I’m glad you came by for a visit. I think your garden is looking so wonderful and like such a soothing retreat. I envy your porch area it is so nice! I hope your little Charlie is feeling better now.

    PATCHWORK~ Linda you are a woman of few words. LOL Thank you for the ones you chose here. It really made me feel welcome. Thank you!

    CORNER GARDEN~ I can only imagine what you must be going through with your kitchen remodel. I’ve not done a kitchen but from friends I do know it can really disrupt your life something terrible. I’m glad you’re at the stage now when you can start looking at how you want to put things back together. That’s huge and pretty darn exciting too!
    I’m so happy for you.